Can I Forgive My Sister in Law???

After a few weeks of the “Life Apps” series at God’s House (our church), I’ve been struggling with a strong conviction that I should be a more forgiving person.  I have overcome a number of obstacles in my life, and I have, more often than not, forgiven people that I feel wronged me, once they’ve acknowledged their offense. Yet some wrongs, wrongs with lingering consequences, I find impossible to forgive. To me it is easier to rid my life of the people who commit such wrongs, rather than allow them to pollute my life further.The feud with my sister in law is the first example to come to mind.

Is my inability to forgive wrong? I never thought so until last week, when Pastor Eric differentiated between forgiveness and trust. He helped me to realize that just because I forgive someone doesn’t mean I have to trust them or allow them back into my life; I can forgive and still protect myself from further injury.

What a concept.

Pastor Eric’s message about forgiveness really touched me. It made me think about my problem forgiving in a completely different way. He helped me realize that how she harmed me shaped me. I am different now because of her actions and words. More importantly, I feel that my daughter is different now because of her actions and words, which is much worse and harder to let go of.

But Pastor Eric also asked how my response to the harm shaped me. Let me tell you, that question stung a little. He asked if grudges are guilty pleasure; do I fantasize about telling her off? He speculated that some of us reenact that moment where we get to confront the person who wronged us because we’ve been hurt, and we want to hurt them back. How true this was for me. For a while that very thought consumed me.

Next, he posed a different series of questions: Does holding a grudge work? Does it change the person? Does it change the situation? No, he answered for us; the harm remains unresolved. It manifests: it elevates blood pressure, pumps up adrenaline, and harbors resentment.

When Pastor Eric talked about blood pressure my jaw dropped and I felt like he was talking to me directly.  Maybe I am carrying an overpowering burden for nothing.

Forgiveness does not mean the harm doesn’t matter. Or that it’s okay to let someone harm you again. Forgiveness is not reconciliation or trust. It is choosing to remove an incident from our relationship.  Reconciliation is collaboration between two people. We don’t have to see eye to eye for me to forgive, and a reunion isn’t automatic.

And I certainly don’t have to trust her if I forgive her. Trust is earned, and in the same situation I believe she would do the same thing again, and I think that she meant it when she said that both she and her husband hate me, and that when I’m not around the family talks about me negatively. Her words still hurt, and I’m not naïve enough to think that my forgiveness will change any of that.

Jesus doesn’t say we have an obligation to trust, but we do have an obligation to forgive, because God forgives us. As Pastor Eric reminded us, forgiveness cannot just come to you; it has to go through you.  I don’t want to be a biter, angry, frustrated person. With God’s help, and some patience from my husband, I know I’ll be able to forgive.

I've included a link to the message Pastor Eric gave, in case any of my readers are interested:
God's House May 15, 2011: Forgiveness