Reconciliation

(A Letter to my In-Laws)

This letter is not an easy thing to write. I’ve thought about how to properly and effectively express myself for a few weeks now, and drew blanks. I figure the best way to start is just to start, so forgive me if I seem a bit scattered.

The past few years between us have been tumultuous at best. There have been some intermittent times of harmony, but for the most part there has been grief and rejection and hatred and frustration. Nothing seems natural anymore, and the jovial times that made me fall in love with all of you (not just Adam) have long since dissipated. I look back on family dinners and holidays before Adam and I got married and I can’t help but wonder what the hell happened?

And that’s what I’ve spent the past few years asking myself. What have I done to precipitate so much animosity and bitterness? This question has plagued me, and until very recently, I have dwelled upon it, desperate for an answer and a solution to this feud.

But, after a morning with Nixon watching Sesame Street, I realize now that the answer is irrelevant. As ridiculous as it sounds, Elmo clarified things for me in a way that dozens of articles and books about repairing families written by professionals couldn’t; Elmo said that a family is a family whether they agree or not. Elmo said that despite our differences we should love each other and accept each other for who we are, because that’s what families do. Even when they’re wrong, we should love everyone in our family.

This might seem like a remedial notion, but I didn’t grow up in the typical family environment. My childhood home was turbulent and violent at times. When raising our voices failed to resolve fights, the next step was almost always someone leaving, doors slamming, which is eventually how I ended up in a group home. Even now, I find it easier to walk away from a conflict than to resolve it. I’ve severed so many ties and relationships over the years it would be impossible to count them all. I dread confrontation and raised voices, and I would rather walk out and end a relationship then put myself back in a hostile environment like the one I endured as a child. So Elmo’s notion of what a family really is is actually very foreign to me. And for Nixon’s sake, I want to change that.

So, basically, I was hoping this year could be the last year of this crisis that we’ve let steal the past few years. I don’t want Nixon to miss out on what I missed out on as a child. She deserves a family that encompasses more than just her mom and dad and grandparents. She deserves aunts and uncles and cousins, and big holiday parties and lots and lots of kisses.

But this isn’t going to work if everyone isn’t onboard. If even just one person holds back and refuses to let go of the resentment and hostility that we’ve been clinging to, it will only serve as a painful reminder of everything that has happened and none of us will truly be able to move forward.

Let’s let 2012 be a better year for our family. Let’s reinstate family dinners and let’s start new traditions with the kids and really embrace each other.